i awoke to thunder so rumbling, it rattled the glass of my bedroom window panes.
the weather matches my mood; on the inside, a storm rolls along, a battle of sorts between what i feel and what i know to be true. on the outside and to the world, all seems well. children accomplished, husband faithful, my smiles come readily.
inside, though, my little heart flutters and frets, and fear rules my day.
what if the clouds never pass? what if i am not successful? if he is not? what if my children stumble? if the dark of unknown grows deeper and suddenly i can find no way out?
what if the grass withers, and the flowers fade, and the world really is as broken as i have always been told? if marriage doesn’t someday evolve to endless rosy romance and parenting doesn’t turn out exemplary adults and the american dream doesn’t eventually play out in the form of clean (not even to say the dream) home and meals don’t equal healthful perfection and i don’t develop long, lithe curves? what if my ways aren’t winning and i’m not a woman worthy of renown?
still, “I AM,” you whisper to my heart.
and i argue silently with You and i question, “what if evil wins?”
and truthfully, i know sometimes, it will. or rather, it will seem so. lack of logic will rule and laws will be unjust and the innocent will be wounded and the hard-working will falter and the weary will suffer.
for GOOD, if they are Yours. because You see not just through, but over the clouds, and You know the desperately dry state of the ground that begs for watering, and the necessity of the clouds to carry the life-giving water, and You announce Your ability to bring it with thunder that rolls and demands attention – life is coming. help is ready.
it does not always look the rainbow, but Love sometimes and often drills through the dark. because light is most visible through shadow and gloom.
this little one must listen with a willing heart, ready to be shaken by thunder and watered by storm-rain, and believe in the shadows that hope shines beyond the storm-clouds. and that Papa knows what my life needs for His girl to grow wise and brave, and more, to grow Loving.
for in You, every darkness leads to light. every brokenness leads to strength in the healed places.
sometimes through hazy mist and sometimes through quiet drizzle and often through rolling, thundery drips of stinging rain, you call me to lift my face, and open my mouth wide, and drink sustenance, and more, renewal. for You are living water, and your Word is light, and it stands forever.
sometimes you hide beyond the dark to magnify the effects of blazing sun when it rolls through, and always, always, you hold steady the Light that guides and calls and reaches into this present darkness and wants me to be more than i am, all that i can, for in the end, You want this little one to be undaunted.