it seems it didn’t really happen, and then it seems like it was yesterday: my grandma ruth went to heaven.

i know some may read that and think, “oh how sweet, they have a positive outlook about their loss,” and some will know exactly what i mean when i say that amidst the terrible ache of knowing she is no more, i KNOW that she is, and she is fully whole and fulfilling her complete purpose: to be with her Father who created her and give Him glory.

but my grandma’s passing has me thinking about the enigma of living in the now, and not forgetting what has passed, and having hope for the future.

i have another grandma, and from my earliest memories, she’s been “not too good, honey…” whenever asked.  she’ll answer that everyone loves her and that’s good, but oh, life is hard.  i don’t ask anymore, but rather just call and speak highly of the wonder of this earth and family life and joyous experiences.  i don’t want to hear the sadness of a life lived “small,” and i realize i’m afraid of repeating it.

somehow, we have to come to a point where we recognize both the struggles and the giftings of those who came before us, and somehow, we have to find the courage to break cycles of brokenness and live big.

as i look at the rosy cheeks and the twinkle-eyes on my grandma in her portrait, i remember that she didn’t always shine.  when we were little i didn’t think she was the nicest lady.  i told her that once, as a grown-up-granddaughter.  (wow, i’ve got nerve.)  and she answered that yes, that’s probably true; she doesn’t think she was always nice either.  “but that’s because i wasn’t as close to Jesus then, honey,” she answered.  and there it is.

i hope that as my girl looks at my eyes, both in portraits and in person, she will see the shine that comes from being in the presence of the King… and that she will be inspired to live bigger than her mama.