this post was written a couple months ago, as a journal entry of sorts.  i’ve felt it was important to chronicle a season in our lives of much learning, much growing, often scratching in the dirt to find truth in questioning… as we move into a period where we see answers toward the next step in our family’s journey, i’m looking back with such thankfulness for the brokenness… for i see He already uses it, and we are growing for it.

i feel like we’ve been in the valley for some time, i said to my friend.  like there has been such a period of darkness, and maybe we’re starting to see light, a way up.

then the present dream fell through, and the day-to-day drudgery set in, with the knowledge that there didn’t seem a way to make the current wrongs right.

but my Papa called still, to trust, to wait, to hold firm to those things He’d asked of me.

some time ago i thought i heard Him call to me to be willing to die to my “art,” my career, if need be.  ironic that i, the girl who once so prided myself on my calling to be fully present as homemaker and home educator, now find myself fiercely protecting a “career” maybe above that.  He had provided the work, and He seemed glorified through it.  to be honest, i was am fearful if i die to it, to the striving to keep it successful, we might go hungry.  and didn’t He promise to feed the little bird?

i thought i heard Him call me to get out of the way for a while and allow my husband to listen to Him without distraction of “my” calling.  so backward from the world’s way.  must stand up for my rights.  must defend my talents. must work hard and prove myself.

if i’m honest, there is no clear answer in sight.  He seems to still provide work, and i have not yet said, “no.” but i have also ceased striving for “yes” to my work.  i’ve taken what He gives and work to be more diligent at it, ever seeking to put home and husband and children first.  first, that is, after Him.

am i afraid?  yes.  the heart of muchafraid still clamors to rule me.  but i believe He has called me to climb higher.  to strangely work less while trusting more.  to be undaunted.

i have been fearful to talk about the journey, because what if someone tells me i’m wrong?  what if someone sees and doesn’t want to hire me because i’m not striving to have every job?  what if my husband fails and it falls to me to fix it all?

but is He my Papa, the ONE who rules all?  the One who called me to trust Him in the first place?

 

and so, one foot scrambling for a toe-hold, next a hand reaching for a claw-able-ledge, i climb.  somehow, in the Kingdom of backwards, i reach higher while bowing lower.  and i await with anticipation while mourning the state of unknown.  because after all, the un-knowing is what makes discovery sweet.